ALL THE LATEST STUFF YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T BUY
Glenda Glitterpoop is a cute, cuddly little unicorn. Until you squeeze her and reveal her dark side. Doubtful “unicorn bites” are covered under your current medical insurance.
Everybody needs a friend. Bob Ross will be your friend, with happy little chia trees sprouting forth in full afro glory.
Walkers don’t stand a chance when you whip out this emergency survival kit featuring 10 tools in one waterproof container. Especially when you pull out that deadly whistle.
Don’t we all dream of someone to hold us close at night? This “Octopus Lady” queen duvet cover offers eight arms to hold you tight. Like, really tight.
Go squatchin’ in the squash with this 28″ statue made of “real crushed stone.” (Beware of cheaper bigfoot statues using imitation crushed stone.)
If you have a yearning for home decor inspired by brutal alien abductions (and who doesn’t?), this might be the perfect way to spend an afternoon.
You know, how when UFOs land, they create electromagnetic disturbances? (Of course you know; you’re a Contrary Mall shopper.) With a built-in magnetometer, his handy gadget will alert you to said disturbances (and resulting UFOs) 24/7.
Imagine the deep conversations you can have wearing this plush beauty on your face. Friend: Where’d you get that? You: Mmphh rmmph mmph
Glowing beams and orbs certainly make us think of overwrought piano music.
You would probably NEVER find an occasion specific enough for these. If you did, it’s unlikely the general dress code would be suited for cuff links.
Yeah… even the hipsters in your life have birthdays. Not that you actually care. This card might convince them you do though.
Among first-world problems, “a cold neck” ranks near the top. But why suffer in misery when Bigfoot waits to wrap your neck in his warm embrace?